WINDOW ROCK—Navajo Supreme Court Chief Justice Herb Yazzie has disqualified presidential candidates Chris Deschene and Joe Shirley Jr., Friday, substituting a Navajo sandpainting of a deity as the only acceptable candidate to hold the Office of the President.
"The candidate must be fluent in Diné bizaad, Diné Bizaaaaaad, and Dibe bizaad so he can talk to all the sheep and tell them to stay off my property," Yazzie said in his ruling.
"The Holy People are the only ones fit to lead this Nation, this is traditional law and it has been the way for our people for many generations. We have always listened to the Holy People in this fashion. But because we can only have one president we can have only one Holy Person candidate who must chose within 5 days a second Holy Person running mate for VP."
Both Deschene and Shirley objected. “I’m a Marine” Deschene said. “The Holy People were Marines too, Marines are brothers, Marines = Marines ergo I can be president, possibly also a Holy Person.”
Shirley said, “Term limits suck.”
But the decision has split the Navajo community. Dale Tsosie and Hank Whitethorne challenged the ruling claiming that the Holy People aren’t qualified to run for president because they are not fluent in Navajo.
"They got to take the fluency exam" Tsosie said. "How else might we know? They got to take it."
Hank Whithorne said, “I was once accidently locked myself in my own house for twelve hours and couldn’t get out. I have many sand paintings, none of them effectively demonstrated they could speak Navajo to me.”
Donald Benally, a former presidential candidate and devout Christian, said, “I don’t like these Holy People because they are always getting into my cereal. At night they chew through my Raisin Bran box and get crumbs all over my table. They also leave little droppings all over the place.”
When asked if Benally might be confusing the Holy People with mice, he said, “they get into my bread too.”
Joe Shirley Jr. and Chris Deschene have filed separate and what they claim are “uncoordinated” appeals to the ruling, but then recognized they could appeal to no one. Hahaha (sinister laugh).
Tuba City—The zombie corpses of vanquished candidates challenge second place primary winner Chris Deschene on his language fluency in Navajo Nation Court today.
"Brains," "Speeeeeeakkk Navajo" could be heard among former candidates Dale Tsosie and Hank Whitorne as their decaying bodies stumbled into the posh new court house.
Supreme Court Justice Herb Yazzie, always looking for an opportunity to increase the authority of the fundamental laws of the Diné, used the challenge as a pretext to consider how he could broaden and make more vague the application of these laws in day-to-day Navajo governance.
"What we have is an issue, already resolved in the Office of Hearing of Appeals, that I have to consider in order to be the center of attention for a bit and basically reaffirm the ruling of the lower court in language that is perhaps more opaque and mystical than they had used."
"I don’t usually concern myself with pointless regulations found in the Navajo Nation Code," Dale Tsosie said. "But when I have an opportunity to have a public persona and everyone has to listen to me, then perhaps I will have an issue with some trivial infraction of the Navajo elections code."
In defense to his inability to speak Navajo, Deschene sounded somewhat like a zombie himself when he kept repeating, “I’m a Marine, I’m a MAREEENE, need braaaaaains.”
Some speculate he has already been infected with the zombie causing virus that has claimed two former presidential candidates so far.
We will learn later today the outcome of the hearing, but it’s probably just one more stop on a publicity seeking chomping fest that has made Chris Deschene’s language skills the central focus of the 2014 presidential campaign.
WINDOW ROCK—The insurgent Navajo presidential candidate Christopher Clark Deschene announced his vice-presidential running mate Tuesday, none other than Chris Deschene.
"I’m good enough for both positions," he said. "Marines know how to carry their own, and their other too…That doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the Marines and we memorize meaningless truisms."
Deschene went on to say that he doesn’t see any other candidate out there who has the range, experience, youth, and $$$ political connections to assist his campaign better than himself.
"You know I’m really great. The people of Arizona failed to understand this when I ran and lost as Secretary of State after just one term in the House of Representatives, but now they will see really how awesome and robust I am."
Deschene made the announcement among a short list of potential running mates that included himself again, Joe Shirley Jr. (“if he graciously accepted the defeat that’s coming to him” Deschene said) and Barak Obama.
"After he finishes his term in two years there will be a seat waiting for him in the Deschene administration," he said.
Dechene also emphasized that he will also run for county commissioner for all of the three Arizona counties that make up the Navajo Nation.
"I want a seat at the table in Coconino, Navajo, and Apache…I want it all, bwooohahahaha!!!"
His rival, Joe Shirley Jr., is deciding between which of his vanquished field will bring him the most money for campaigning during the general election. Coincidently it looks like Ben Shelly again.
"What Ben never realized is that I’m the Batman and he will always be Robin, I just took a break from Gotham City for four years," Shirley said.
WINDOW ROCK—Sources close to Joe Shirley said that the former president has big plans for the Navajo Nation zoo if he is re-elected.
"You won’t see what’s coming," the source who we will call Matick Mandoval said in an exclusive interview. "We are bringing new species to give our Navajo students a sense of what this place was like when "dinosaurs ruled the earth" he said. "…not just Window Rock" he later quipped.
Our high level interviewee said that they had recently cloned animals from DNA found in the files that have been kept in lock and key in the mold ridden Administrative Building One at the hight of an investigation of the president’s role in BCDS and OnSat, two companies awarded lucrative contracts with the tribe during Shirley’s administration that critiques allege skirted the proper review process and cost the Nation $$$.
"Honestly we just thought we’d find things damaging to Mr. Shirley in those files, who knew he had an extensive collection of mosquitoes trapped in petrified amber from millions of years ago, the president is so silly sometimes.
The source said that Shirley collected the rocks in the event of a rainy day when the federal government freezes its funding to the Navajo Nation because it’s under an unprecedented zombie attack and we need to clone the dinosaurs to survive.
"Like Iran, we have a robust dinosaur-cloning program but our not yet at cloning capacity. The cloning will be used for peaceful purposes only, like Dinosaur generated power. Have you seen how fast those dinosaurs can run? Hook up a flock of Saltopus to some treadmills and we’d be rolling."
Although the animals are not yet ready, Mandoval is confident that if Shirley is re-elected, cool stuff will come your way.
pictured above: process of cloning animals that will be part of the Navajo Nation zoo is a hard science.
Cottonwood, AZ—Former Speaker Johnny Naize is slated to return to the Navajo Nation Council Monday his former chief of staff, current Peabody liaison, Jarvis Williams confirmed in a telephone interview.
"Although Johnny Naize functionally doesn’t act as ‘Speaker,’ technically he still is Speaker and entitled to the Speaker’s pay at $44k a year."
Because the Navajo Nation Council put Naize on “administrative leave” and didn’t properly remove him from the Speakership, he is still paid at a Speaker’s salary even though he no longer carries out the Speaker’s duties.
This means he is paid well over $1300 every two weeks to do nothing.
On the other hand, Council Delegate Lorenzo Bates, functioning as Speaker, has a base salary of $24k even though he conducts the Speaker’s duties.
"In order for Naize to keep his salary, he has to give the minimal effort as a delegate, otherwise the Navajo Nation Council might find justifiable reason to remove him as delegate according to Navajo Nation law," Williams said.
Navajo people and paleontologists need to find their mind in this atrocity that’s ongoing between Hollywood and the depiction of Dinosaurs as man eating killing machines. People need to know their facts before carrying placards alongside the well-maintained streets of Window Rock or inconveniencing the conscience of the Navajo Nation president in any way. They need to know before they denounce dinosaurs, a species most have no idea helped Diné people in the past.
The dinosaurs (terrible lizards) are not really lizards at all. In fact did you know they are the ancestors of birds? And as you know birds are important to Navajo people, from the hummingbird to the eagle—all dinosaurs in reality. Know your facts Diné people! Also, the dinosaurs taught and gave the Navajo skills of weaving, ranching, harvesting corn and baking, taught you how to herd cattle and sheep, and even shown you the latest attire of clothing (traditional, Navajo bun, concho skirt, scares, teeth, claws). Did you know dinosaurs were the first species to teach Navajos how to tear into the flesh of another animal and chew—very important for the survival of our people.
Before the 1500s and 1600s, roughly, dinosaurs roamed the Colorado Plateau and Navajos were hunters/gathers/dependent on the federal governmenters who lived mainly on a diet of sand, dirt, and water. They drew handprints on caves and grew disheveled beards. Some Navajo, in leopard patterned attire, had prototrucks made of two stone tires and required Navajo people to move their feet really fast. The diyiin Hannah-Barbara created us then and Fred Flintsone was our chief until power and corruption went to his head. The dinosaurs ate Fred Flintstone and sent the Navajo people scattering into the five agencies where they quickly established agency capitals and trading posts. If it weren’t for the dinosaurs we’d still be hunter/gathers only studied by archeologists. Now paleontologists study us too because we lived with dinosaurs.
Early large mammals gave you noting—nothing (except maybe your genes and mammary glands). Wooly mammoths (sometimes called hairy elephants) were to invade America—your land—they would stab everyone with their long tusks. They would wipe out the Paleo-Indians as they clearly did when they followed our ancestors across the Bering Straight (as we were hunting and gathering, looking for better sand and dirt) and they started to give chase to us with their long, dangerous scary tusks. Why do you think the Acoma built Sky City? It was to escape the Wooly mammoths! The Anasazi got chased out of their lands by the saber-toothed tigers. The ancient large mammals will kill everyone and will cut out an entire generation and their aim would be so that you might forget your culture, language and songs, and as a people you would mix in with strange mammals like from the Planet of the Apes with their spears and socialist tree houses. Who can forget the generation of Navajos taken to boarding school run by lemmings?
In the end, you should support your country, the United States of America, because most real Americans do not support ancient large mammals, they support dinosaurs.
WINDOW ROCK—Joe Shirley Jr. posed for a line of western style vests to raise funds for his stagnant campaign Thursday near Page, AZ according to his campaign.
After a half a year of selling steaks and watermelons, Joe Shirley, who calls himself “doctor,” appears to be falling behind in public opinion as his campaign reaches its critical last month.
"We are in salvage mode," Shirley’s chief strategist and life coach Patrick Sandoval said. "We’ve been struggling to put out a platform, the doctor just has so much to think about."
With little money and even less time, the Western Warehouse out of Page, AZ offered Shirley a spot in their upcoming fall catalog wearing his famous black leather vest adorned with eagle feather icons on each side.
Western Warehouse plans to sell the “Dr. Joe, leather you know?” vest jacket in their Page and Gallup outlets until Spring.
A spokesman for the store said, “Joe Shirley Jr. is a icon of the Western landscape, we should do our best to capture him in true regalia.
SHIPROCK—In an exclusive interview with Tlo’chi’iin News, Navajo Nation presidential front runner Duane “the Chiliman” Yazzie discusses his mysterious past, including how he lost his right arm.
TG: Thanks for joining us. We know you are running as the government reform candidate. But you yourself spent many years in government including as a Council Delegate for Shiprock in the 80s and 90s. How do you credibly talk about government reform when you have been involved in the tribal government for so long?
DCY: That’s a predictable question. I scoff at how predictable of a question that is. Nevertheless, I will answer it to placate your inferior journalistic skills. First, I was a ‘49er, which means I was the ‘OG’ ‘(original gangster) govt. reformer.’ I was there when you was just square, you dig?
TG: I take it you mean that you were on the Navajo Nation Council in 1989 when the Council removed MacDonald from office, removed his attorney general when he wasn’t acting fast enough to investigate MacDonald, and even changed the structure of the Navajo Nation government. All of these actions are lauded today. But in fact the Title 2 reforms were done by a simple majority of council delegates and didn’t go back to the people for approval. MacDonald was popularly elected yet the Council felt empowered to remove him.
But you famously denounced former Speaker Naize for moving forward on a legislation to create the Navajo Transitional Energy Corporation without going back “to the people.” How do you square the inconsistencies with how you yourself acted as a delegate with how your critique the current Council?
DCY: In 1989 it was very hard to remove MacDonald from office without resorting to a power grab. We felt we were justified with the circumstances at the time. The Council today is different. Today we have Title 2.
TG: in 2009 the Navajo Nation Council did exactly what it did 20 years before and placed Joe Shirley Jr. on administrative leave when it was discovered that he and his staff had circumvented Navajo Nation law in order to guarantee favorable treatment for On Sat and BCDS companies.
You yourself received $30k in “consulting fees” to help a weapons manufacturer set up shop in your community while you were chapter president. Some might see this as a clear conflict of interest.
In this instance Chief Justice Herb Yazzie reversed the Council’s action that placed Shirley on administrative leave because it violated “the right of people to chose their leaders.” Yet you and Yazzie removed MacDonald under similar circumstances in 1989, do you agree with the Supreme Court’s ruling?
DCY: I do.
DCY: Because the Navajo Nation Council is out of control and needs to be reformed. We need to go back to traditional ways and traditional roles of leaders.
TG: Is this not just a useful way of avoiding difficult questions?
TG: Continuing on, tell us something about your personal history. How did you get involved in politics?
DCY: I was a sea captain back in the 70s. I hunted sharks—actually one shark in particular. A shark I called, “Moby Dick.” You see, when I was on the U.S.S Indianapolis…
TG: You were on the Indianapolis?
DCY: Come to think of it I wasn’t, but if I were, I would’ve seen us torpedoed by a Japanese sub in the South Pacific. I would’ve heard the cries of my crewman in the water as sharks slowly picked us off, one-by-one, in a manner in which I was unable to help.
TG: To be clear, you weren’t on the Indianapolis?
DCY: This right. But if I was, I would’ve then survived the incident and dedicated my life to capturing and killing the Shark Moby Dick who eluded me for so many years, only to do battle with him in an epic battle that would’ve left me with a destroyed ship, in financial ruin, and missing my right arm. This is what could’ve happened and this is the story I’m using to explain my missing arm.
TG: Are you saying the Shark named Moby Dick ate your arm?
DCY: Yes, here’s a picture that was taken by a photographer who happened to be on board at the time.
TG: This looks like a movie still from ‘Jaws.’
DCY: It does doesn’t it?
TG: Thanks for taking the time.
DCY: Thank you….Oh and from there that’s how I got involved in politics. I was done with shark hunting.
Photo: Rex Lee Jim as he is featured in advertisement for auction
WINDOW ROCK—The Shelly/Jim administration has come under heavy criticism today after it announced that it would auction off a “date” with Vice President Rex Lee Jim in order to help raise money for the victims of the Assayii Lake Fire.
The event, titled, “Date, steak and shake with Rex Lee Jim” was scheduled this evening at the Historic El Rancho Hotel in downtown Gallup. The money raised at the event would go toward the victims of the Assayii Lake Fire according to Shelly’s campaign advisor Deswood Tome.
"It’s all for a good cause, we think that for a bit of money the VP could assuage a lonely evening and benefit a fire stricken community," he said.
The event would auction off a date with the Vice President. The winner of the auction would enjoy a steak dinner (at their expense) with the Vice President at Badlands Grill before taking Mr. Jim dancing at the Shalimar Lounge this Fourth of July.
"There will be fireworks!" Tome said with laughter.
The Shelly administration had hoped to raise several hundreds of thousands of dollars from the auction, but critics feel that the high estimate is over optimistic.
"Jim is not worth more than $100 to $300 for a date and probably even less so if you consider how much food you have to buy for him," Lynda Lovejoy, one of Jim’s fiercest critics said in a phone interview.
"Once I thought he was hitting on me then I realized that he’s GAY!" she said contemptuously.
Lovejoy bitterly insinuated that Jim was gay after she lost to Shelly in the 2010 election, claiming that she shouldn’t be discriminated as a women lest Jim also be discriminated against for being gay.
"It’s just an unrealistic expectation from the Shelly/Jim administration" she said, "it’s further proof that they are simply lying to the voters to convince them to reelect a defunct administration."
Others have called the entire practice of auction off a date night with Rex Lee Jim demeaning to the Office of the President/Vice President and a threat to tribal sovereignty.
"How many times will they waive sovereign immunity and auction off our leaders," said retired Navajo Nation judge Manuel Watchman. "How long are they going to keep doing that!"
But Shelly fired back and is defending the auction.
"Look, it’s not like we aren’t ‘bought off’ already. We receive huge campaign contributions from natural resource interests. How do you think we pay for all these snazzy t-shirts?" he said. "But that’s all under the table. This on the other hand is public, what ‘the people’ wanted. We are just more transparent about it and it goes to a good cause—the fire victims, let’s not forget the fire victims."
He continued, “perhaps Rex Lee can inspire a little fire in someone’s heart while putting out some fires on peoples’ houses.”