April 8, 2014
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad supports Naize

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—President Bashar al-Assad expressed support for Navajo Nation Council Speaker Johnny Naize after the Council voted 12-0 to put him on indefinite administrative leave Friday.

“My regime feels that Speaker Naize is doing an excellent job at quelling the rebellion that has plagued his mineral colony,” al-Assad said. “We look to him in showing leadership in keeping his population under control.”

Speaker Naize faced scrutiny in the Navajo Nation Council because of previous allegations over misuse of discretionary funds. The Navajo Nation Code reads that the Speaker should be in “good standing.”

Council Delegate Alton Joe Shepard sponsored the legislation to remove Naize as Speaker of the Navajo Nation Council because he felt that the allegations against him showed negatively on the rest of the Navajo Nation Council.

Al-Assad scoffed off the claim and reiterated what Katherine Benally said on the Council floor.

“It has to be proved in a court of law first. Obviously once the Speaker is named Speaker it is sacrosanct position and it is seen as dickish and un-bro-like move for members of the mineral colony’s council to remove him over a slight blemish in his spending behavior to pay for his wives.”

“Also I think Speaker Naize’s opposition are funded by terrorists groups. As President Shelly said, he is the only thing that keeps the predictability, functionality, and mineral contracts coming.” Al-Assad continued, “If Naize is absent who will allow crude oil and coal in your land? Bates? Is he a reliable friend to mineral interests? You ask yourself ‘hmmm?’ Hahaha!! That’s what I thought!”

Al-Assad said he also supports the efforts of Naize to seek an injunction on the Council Delegates who voted to remove him.

“The mullahs of the Navajo Nation Court will certainly see that these traitors are tried and put to public belittlement in the form of negative Facebook comments. Wooohahahaha!” 

March 22, 2014
BREAKING NEWS—Chris “Clark” Deschene decides to run for something


PAGE, AZ—In a surprise move, the usually quiet and reticent Chris Deschene announced that he would be running for something soon.

“I got this itch for higher office, but I want to start with something small and somewhat modest. From there I can test my leadership qualities. Perhaps Governor? Secretary of State? President of the Navajo Nation? Perhaps President of the United States?”

Deschene said he was considering running against Hillary Clinton in the 2014 Democratic Presidential Primary, but he also hasn’t ruled out running against Ben Shelly and Joe Shirley.

“I have to figure out what my strengths are. Right now I think I’m strong in being ambitious. But there’s more to me than declaring a candidacy, I just have to figure out what that is,” he said. 

Supporters have already talked up his virtues. Slim Jim from Cottonwood said, “He’s a former Marine, that’s pretty unusual in the reservation.” 

Tommy Tso-Claw, Blue Gap, said, “He went to law school, was a lawyer, and supports coal. These are highly unusual credentials for the Navajo Nation. With that kind of training and platform, I’m sure we will experience a sudden break from the status quo if he is elected.”

Chris Deschene said that he might run against Putin in the next Russian elections.

“I don’t have residency in Russia, but I think when people hear my message they will know what I stand for for the Russian people. I have a lot of experience in non-renewable energy. Russia has a lot of this. I think they will see my qualities. Remember—ambition.”

He continued, “I don’t know if I have residency in the Navajo Nation, but we have these election laws in which we don’t really have to abide by any provision in the election code because of the vaguely worded maxim in the Fundamental Laws that reads, ‘the people have the right to chose their leaders.’”

Deschene said he’d make a major announcement soon about what political office we would run for. Until then, he is selling white t-shirts online that read, “Chris Deschene for….” Buyers are encouraged to buy markers and fill in the name of the office after “for” when he makes his announcement.

March 22, 2014
Shelly introduces 4/4 per cap casino revenue distribution plan

By Kee Blackmesa

Window Rock – Navajo Nation President Ben Shelly and Navajo Gaming Enterprise CEO Derrick Watchmen introduced a resolution Friday to give casino “per-cap” payments to “full-blooded members” of the Navajo Nation.

"The purpose of the new decision is to bring healing and not harm to the members of our Nation, we need to make sure our full blooded members maintain our ancient and cultural knowledge, so we believe if we keep them funded, they can stay on the land and stay traditional," Shelly said. 

The plan calls for a $12,000 annual payment to members of the Navajo Nation with a 4/4 Blood Quantum. Other benefits include a free subscription to the executive branch’s quarterly reports and a free spin at Twin Arrows, the Navajo Nation’s largest and newest casino. 

President Shelly  said, “The details of the agreement are within the K’é principles. We have the opportunity to become a dominate race in the world, all members who are pure blood with no clan inbreeding are eligible.”

CEO Derrick Watchman said the casinos are doing well and we want to start giving back to the people.

“Once again, we the Navajo Nation lead the way for other tribes to follow!”

The program must got to the Navajo Nation Council before the president can sign it.

Speaker Naize, in an effort to attract more controversy, agreed to sponsor the legislation.

Naize said that he will establish a “Clan task force,” headed by his spiritual guru Darrel Tso, designed to “educate the people” about the meaning and intent of the program. 

February 26, 2014
Ben Shelly holds campaign fundraiser


GALLUP—President Ben Shelly raised several hundred dollars and several long horn cattle when he held his first campaign fundraiser last Sunday at the El Rancho Hotel.

"We had a great night," he said. "I really liked the clam chowder." 

We were later told that guests were served steak and the El Rancho Hotel has never had clam chowder. 

"The clam chowder was really good!" he continued. "You could see all the clams dancing like in that weird, psychedelic scene in the movie ‘Dumbo’ called, ‘Elephants on Parade.’" 

Deswood Tome said the fundraiser was a success. 

"We had a blast!" "There were these two twin girls I encountered in an empty hallway in the hotel. They rolled a red ball at me. I picked it up, they disappeared. And then I saw Jack Nicholson throwing a ball around and typing on a type writer, and there were all these flappers, and I forget what happened next."

Ben Shelly, like President Bush, had different levels of fundraising.

There was “turns me on level” which referred to Shelly’s infamous remarks to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer a couple years ago.

He also had a level called “you’ve gained weight?” which refers to a joke he made at New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez about her physique. 

He also had a level based on his 2013 Energy Policy, with $100 donations for coal and $5 donations for “green energy.” 

The event ended at 9:00 p.m. when participants finished dinner and ran off to the State Line. 

February 23, 2014

February 20, 2014
AZ lawmakers unsure about anti-gay legislation; fear too much regulation

            PHOENIX—Moments after passing the landmark “license to discriminate” legislation, Arizona lawmakers realized they’ve been doing this for quite some time and may have unknowingly created new regulatory barriers to a common practice.

            “I was shocked when legal council told us of the implications,” John Allen (District-15) Republican said. “I was discriminating against sodomites all my life, now it looks like I have to get a religious license to do this.”  

            The legislation requires business that wish to refuse services to gay men and women must first apply for and be granted official religious exemption from the state’s already weak anti-discrimination laws.

            But this is more than what was required in the past. Fearing the ramification of the legislation might affect other forms of discrimination, ablest, people who discriminate against the handicapped, have mounted a campaign to keep discrimination of the state’s handicapped people free from regulation.

            “I use to refuse service to someone in a wheel chair unless they could prove to me that they couldn’t walk, or they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and stood at my counter,” Darrell Wilkenson said. “But if this trend in regulating discrimination continues I may have to get a license before I can do this? Where’s the justice! National SOCIALISM is on the march in Arizona,” he said.

            Kate Brophy McGee (D-28), Republican representing Tempe’s large “bro” population said, “s’up. Yo, Iz lik dnt knw wht all the fuzz is bout. Ladies bttr recognize.”

            A similar bill passed the AZ Senate Monday. It now moves to Gov. Jan Brewer’s desk where she has five days to decide whether or not she wants to get our her crayons. 

February 10, 2014
Native “hipster” photographer to capture non-federally recognized tribes

Ivan Davis, self-described hipster photographer and member of the Ho-Chunk tribe

BROOKLYN, NY—In what appears to be a deliberate response to Project 562: Changing the Way We See Native America, local self-described hipster Ivan Davis (Ho-Chunk), announced his intent to capture “non-federally recognized tribes” across the country. 

"I’m photographing non-federally recognized tribes not part of the 562, I’d tell you who they are but you probably haven’t heard of them," he said.

Some of the tribes that Davis might photograph are the Cherokee Nation of Alabama, (once called Cherokee “band” of Alabama, but who changed their name so as not to be confused with the popular music group), Arizona Cherokee Confederacy, Amonsoquath Tribe of Cherokee, The Cherokees of California, and a whole lot of other versions and variations of Cherokees across the country—tribes sometimes called, “King Andrew Leopold Jackson’s ghosts.”

But when interviewed for the story Davis said he might not do the project because it was already getting “too much hype.”

“Forget it. You guys already played it out. It’ll be soooo old and stale by the time I’m done with it.”

Some preliminary images he released to Tlo’chi’iin News reveal a number of young women in faded, cross pollinated colors dressed primarily in headdresses, sometimes adorned with jewelry, often with paint on their faces who are always looking away from the camera. 

“Man, this interview is so boring, aren’t you going to ask me about my inspiration?”  Davis concluded. 

"Living in Two Worlds, Brooklyn Band of Cherokee" photo credit Ivan Davis

"Freedom from ‘commodity’ foods" photo credit Ivan Davis 

"Our tribe, our lives: keeping it real in Williamsburg" photo credit Ivan Davis 

January 31, 2014
Special Prosecutor to probe ‘the girl’ remark

Special report to Tło’chiin news

By Thomabahracine Benallee 

Navajo Citizens for Clean Politics, a watchdog group devoted to restoring K’é to Navajo governance, has confirmed reports that the special prosecutor assigned to investigate criminal complaints against twelve Navajo Nation Council delegates will now turn his attention to allegations made by delegate Katherine Benally that the tribal council’s proposed resolution to remove Johnny Naize as Speaker of the NN Council has turned into a personal vendetta because unnamed persons had not “gotten the girl.”

The council’s debate over whether or not to remove Speaker Naize turned into a battle as delegates hurled epithets at each other and included delegate Mel Begay’s reasoned plea to his constituents that they should all “turn the other cheek” and “pick up your mat” before they cast stones at each other.  In an unswerving show of loyalty to her brother Johnny Naize (they are not biologically related) delegate Katherine Benally denounced her constituents who introduced legislation to remove Naize by slamming her hand forcefully on the table several times and yelling passionately, “You didn’t get the girl and that is why you are pissed off at the [sic] Speaker Naize. This is not the forum for personal attacks.”

The special prosecutor will investigate whether this unidentified girl had anything to do with the pending criminal charges against Speaker Naize and other council delegates, who “got her” and whether or not “getting her” is tied to his probe.  

At the time Benally made her angry accusations, several observers noted that two delegates, Leonard Tsosie and David Tom quietly slipped out a side door in the Chambers, inflaming speculations on Benally’s charges about who “didn’t get the girl.”  After some consideration, the special prosecutor has declined to launch an investigation into delegate Duane Tsinigine’s statement that white people are clapping and “laughing their buns” at Navajo leaders. Rather, it was deemed that Tsinigine was simply under stress and made an unfortunate statement.

Aghast Navajo feminists (all three of them requested anonymity) decried Benally’s display of emotion, passion, and anger, saying, “We have spent an incredible amount of time proving to the traditionalists that women can indeed be leaders of our nation, that we have the brain power, reason, and skill to be president of the Navajo Nation. And in one swoop, Ms. Benally has taken us back to the dark ages where women are seen as too emotional and fit only to have babies and cater to the men.”

For the time being, Navajo activists have turned their attention away from Speaker Naize to Katherine Benally in the quest to discover what she meant with her outburst about “the girl.”

In another developing news story, as the council delegates debated the removal of Speaker Naize, and spoke in his defense, they realized that they actually all are Christians. Delegate’s remarks like, “Those who have sinned should not cast the first stone,” “From Roman 13:1, ‘Let every subject be under God’s rule and that applies to us elected officials,’” and “From Timothy 5:17, ‘Keep thyself pure,’” led them to realize that Naize actually is their relative and they need to reaffirm K’é.  Their realization has led them to appoint George Apachito and Kenneth Maryboy to look into purchasing a revival size tent.  Because their slush funds have come under criticism, they will approach President Ben Shelly about using the undesignated reserve fund to purchase the $50,000 tent.

January 29, 2014
BREAKING: Edmund Yazzie selected as interim speaker, cites Metallica

WINDOW ROCK—The Navajo Nation Council elected Edmund Yazzie as interim speaker while current Speaker Johnny Naize allows for the Window Rock district court to process his criminal charges. 

“Enter Sandman!” Yazzie said shortly after the 17-4 vote concluded. He was reference Metallica’s song of the same title.

Yazzie said, “My first priority is to bring rock & roll to the Navajo Nation Council!” He explained that he would allow “mood music” to play during Council’s recess or between legislations.

“Of course I have a particular taste in music, 80s rock, but I will entertain other delegate’s suggestions,” he said.

Charles Damon said he had some 8-tracks he could volunteer. He wanted Johnny Horton included in Yazzie’s playlist.

4:52pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zn56yp15r4Dta
Filed under: navajo navajo council 
January 25, 2014
Environmental group challenges Navajo sheep slaughtering


By Waylon Smith  

          The militant environmental group called, “Sheep Shepard,” with its charismatic and controversial leader Pete Wautsen, plans to challenge what it calls, “the senseless slaughter of sheep,” during the annual Miss Navajo contest this year.

           “Every year, scores of sheep die in what is a pointless ritual of brutality and cruelty to these defenseless cousins of ours,” Wautsen said. “Have you ever looked a sheep in the eye while it’s being butchered?!? It’s asking you, ‘why?’”

            During the Navajo Nation Fair in the fall, female contestants from throughout the reservation compete with each other in who can butcher a sheep and cook it best. Navajos consider butchered sheep a traditional staple food, but Sheep Shepard has called it and act of cruelty in a contest of vanity.

            “These people don’t need to butcher sheep, most of them buy their food at Wal-Mart anyway,” Wautsen exclaimed when asked about Navajo tradition.

            The group operates a van, called the “Eye, Eye Captain.” They said they plan to ram it into the ceremony in order to physically prevent the killing of Navajo sheep.

            Organizers of the Miss Navajo Contest said they are unaware of the group’s intent.

            “When did they call? I didn’t get a message” Samantha Todachine said. “Did they send it to the right email? It’s S-T-O-D-A-C-H-I-N-E, at ‘Navajo’ dash…I mean hyphen, dot N-S-N dot G-O-V. You have to wait for response and then reply to the response before it goes through.” When pressed, Todachine admitted, “I never check that email anyway. Send it to my ‘Yahoo’ account at ‘cowgirlflirt’ at ‘yahoo’ dot com….Or they can fax it. 928-871-9999.”

            Pete Wautsen was surprised to learn his email didn’t go through. He said he would check his Inbox and reply to the prompt.

            The Miss Navajo contest is scheduled in the fall during the annual Navajo Nation Fair.


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